GLaDOS: [from trailer] I think we can put our differences behind us... for science... you monster.
GLaDOS: Oh, it's you.
Wheatley: You *know* her?
GLaDOS: It's been a long time. How have you been?
Wheatley: [whispers] I think she likes you!
GLaDOS: I've been *really* busy being dead. You know, after you *murdered* me!
GLaDOS: [Chell and GLaDOS are falling down a very long shaft] Oh. Hi. So. How are you holding up? BECAUSE I'M A POTATO!
[claps slowly three times]
GLaDOS: Oh good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that. Since it doesn't look like we're going anywhere... Well, we are going somewhere. Alarmingly fast, actually. But since we're not busy other than that, here's a couple of facts. He's not just a regular moron. He's the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived. And you just put him in charge of the entire facility.
[clap clap]
GLaDOS: Good, that's still working. Hey, just in case this pit isn't actually bottomless, do you think maybe you could unstrap one of those long fall boots of yours and shove me into it? Just remember to land on one foot...
[Chell completed a puzzle]
GLaDOS: Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: A horrible person. We weren't even testing for that. Don't let that "horrible person" thing discourage you. It's just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep.
GLaDOS: Most people emerge from suspension terribly undernourished. I want to congratulate you on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds.
GLaDOS: Oh good, my slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that.
GLaDOS: I hope you brought something stronger than a portal gun this time. Otherwise, I'm afraid you're about to become the immediate past president of the Being Alive club. Ha ha.
GLaDOS: [Chell and GLaDOS, as a potato, are flying towards Wheatley, into a trap] Aaaah!
GLaDOS: [On a platform, surrounded with spiked stompers] Well, this is the part where he kills us.
Wheatley: This is the part where I kill you!
[On-Screen caption: Chapter 9: The part where he kills you]
Wheatley: [Achievement unlocked: The part where he kills you; This is that part]
Cave Johnson: [Cave Johnson has died long before the events of the game. Chell and GLaDOS are listening to his last recorded words, a message for his human test subjects which he made while he was deathly ill] Alright, I've been thinking, when life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade!
GLaDOS: Yeah.
Cave Johnson: Make life take the lemons back!
GLaDOS: Yeah!
Cave Johnson: Get Mad!
GLaDOS: Yeah!
Cave Johnson: I don't want your damn lemons, what am I supposed to do with these?
GLaDOS: Yeah. take the lemons!
Cave Johnson: Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man whose gonna burn your house down... with the lemons!
GLaDOS: Oh, I like this guy.
Cave Johnson: I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that'll burn your house down.
GLaDOS: Burn it down! Burning people. He says what we're all thinking.
Cave Johnson: [sickly cough] The point is: if we can store music on a compact disk, why can't we store a man's inteligence and personality on one? So I have the engineers figuring that one out right now. Brain mapping, artificial inteligence... we should've been working on it thirty years ago. And I will say this, and I'm gonna say it on tape so everybody will hear it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me in to a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.
[another sickly cough]
Cave Johnson: Now she'll argue, she say she can't do it. She's modest like that. But you make her! Hell, put her in my computer, I don't care.
[another sickly cough]
Cave Johnson: Alright, test's over. You can head on back to your desk.
GLaDOS: Goodbye, sir.
[to Atlas and P-body during co-op mode]
GLaDOS: As an impartial collaboration facilitator, it would be unfair of me to name my favorite member of your team. However, it's perfectly fair to hint at it in a way that my least favorite probably isn't smart enough to understand. Rhymeswithglue. Orange, you are doing very well.
[to Atlas and P-body during co-op mode]
GLaDOS: The two of you have formed an excellent partnership, with one of you handling the cerebral challenges and the other ready to ponderously waddle into action should the test suddenly become an eating contest.
GLaDOS: [after Chell steps on an Aerial Faith Plate for the first time] Look at you, soaring through the air like an eagle... piloting a blimp.
GLaDOS: [at the entrance to test room 12] Perfect. The door's malfunctioning. I bet somebody's going to have to repair that, too. No, don't get up. I'll be right back. Don't touch anything.
[GLaDOS "leaves"]
Wheatley: [outside a window] Hey, hey! Up here! I found some bird eggs up here; just dropped them into the door mechanism; shut it right down. I...
[the bird suddenly swoops and attacks him]
Wheatley: Aaah! Bird! Bird! Bird! Bird!
[runs away and comes back a few seconds later]
Wheatley: Okay... That's probably the bird, inn'it? That laid the eggs! Livid! Okay, but the point is, we're going to break out of here, alright? Very soon, I promise, I promise. I just have to figure out how... to break us out of here. Here she comes! Keep testing, just keep testing. Remember, you never saw me. Never saw me.
[Leaves]
GLaDOS: [the door is now completely open] I went and spoke with the door mainframe. Let's just say he won't be... well, living anymore. Anyway. Back to testing!
Wheatley: All right, so that last test was seriously disappointing. Apparently, being civil isn't motivating you, so, let's try it her way, all right, fatty? Adopted... fatty! Fatty fatty no parents?
GLaDOS: And...
Wheatley: What?
GLaDOS: What exactly is wrong with being adopted?
Wheatley: What's wrong with being adopted? Um, well, uh... Lack of parents?
GLaDOS: [to Chell] For the record, you are adopted and that's terrible, just work with me.
Wheatley: Some of my my best friends are actually orphans...
GLaDOS: Also, look at her you moron. She's not fat.
Wheatley: I AM NOT A MORON! Just do the test, just do the test.
GLaDOS: I feel awful about that surprise. Tell you what, let's give your parents a call right now.
[phone dialing and ringing; in a stranger, lower voice]
GLaDOS: The birth parents you are trying to reach do not love you. Please hang up.
[Dial tone; normal voice]
GLaDOS: Oh, that's sad. But impressive. Maybe they worked at the phone company.
GLaDOS: [after GLaDOS recaptures Chell, she realizes that Chell and Wheatley have been sabotaging her turrets while away] Oh. You were busy back there. Well. I suppose we could just sit in this room and glare at each other until somebody drops dead, but I have a better idea.
[she extends a large clear pipe towards Chell]
GLaDOS: It's your old friend, deadly neurotoxin. If I were you, I'd take a deep breath. And hold it.
Wheatley: [Wheatley comes rolling down the pipe, which has no neurotoxin in it for a similar reason] Ooagh! GAH! Agh! Ugh! Enh! Agh! Ungh! Ow! Agh! Agh! Hello!
[lands]
GLaDOS: I hate you so much.
Announcer: Warning: Central core is eighty percent corrupt.
GLaDOS: That's funny, I don't feel corrupt. In fact, I feel pretty good.
Announcer: Alternate core detected.
Wheatley: Oh! That's ME they're talking about!
Announcer: To initiate a core transfer, please deposit substitute core in receptacle.
GLaDOS: Core transfer? Oh, you are kidding me.
Wheatley: I've got an idea! Do what it says, plug me in!
GLaDOS: Do NOT plug that little idiot into MY mainframe.
Announcer: [Chell places Wheatley in the Substitute Core Transfer Receptacle] Core accepted. Substitute core, are you ready to start the procedure?
Wheatley: Yes!
Announcer: Corrupted core, are you ready to start the procedure?
GLaDOS: No!
Wheatley: Ohhhhhh, yes she is.
GLaDOS: Nonononononono!
Announcer: Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
GLaDOS: [the system is attempting to swap GLaDOS for Wheatley] Stalemate detected. Transfer procedure cannot continue.
GLaDOS: Yes!
Wheatley: Pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out pull me out!
Announcer: ...unless a stalemate associate is present to press the stalemate resolution button.
[the room machinery starts to move]
Wheatley: Leave me in! Leave me in! Go press it!
GLaDOS: Don't. Do it.
Wheatley: Yes, do do it!
[Chell runs for the button in the adjacent room, but GLaDOS stops her with a panel coming out of the floor]
GLaDOS: Not so fast! Think about this. You need to be a trained stalemate associate to press that button. You're unqualified.
Wheatley: Don't listen to her! It IS true that you don't have the qualifications. But you've got something more important than that. A finger, with which to press that button, so that she won't kill us.
[Chell uses portals to get inside the room and past GLaDOS's floor panel blockage]
GLaDOS: Impersonating a stalemate associate. I just added that to the list. It's a list I made of all the things you've done. Well, it's a list that I AM making, because you're still doing things right now, even though I'm telling you to stop. Stop, by the way.
[Chell presses the button]
Announcer: Please return to the core transfer bay.
GLaDOS: AHH!
Announcer: Stalemate Resolved.
Wheatley: [about to undergo a Core Transfer with GLaDOS] Here I go! Wait, what if this hurts? What if it REALLY hurts? Ohhh, I didn't think of that.
GLaDOS: Oh, it will. Believe me, it will.
Wheatley: Are you just saying that, or is it really going to hurt? You're just saying that, aren't you? No, you're not. It is going to hurt, isn't it? Exactly how painful are we tAGHHHHHH!
[the built-in systems begin to disassemble GLaDOS's "head" from her body from under the floor]
GLaDOS: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! NO! STOP! No! No! NO! NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
[Some panels hide the actual transfer, and dump GLaDOS's head out on the floor near Chell; Wheatley comes out, now controlling GLaDOS's body]
Wheatley: Wowwwww! Check me out, partner! We did it! I'm in control of the whole facility now!
[he begins spinning around]
Wheatley: Whoa-ho ho! Would you look at this. Not too bad, eh? Giant robot. Massive! It's not just me, right? I'm bloody massive, aren't I? Oh! Right, the escape lift! I'll call it now.
[a small elevator rises up]
Wheatley: There we go. Lift called.
Wheatley: [Wheatley has just seized control of the facility from GLaDOS] Look how small you are down there! I can barely see you! Very tiny and insignificant! Let me tell you, I knew it was gonna be cool being in charge of everything, but... wow, this is cool! And check this out! I'm a bloody genius now!
[deeper voice]
Wheatley: Estás usando este software de traducción de forma incorrecta. Por favor, consulta el manual.
[normal voice]
Wheatley: I don't even know what I just said! But I can find out! Oh! Sorry. The lift. Sorry. I keep forgetting.
[he starts the lift moving up]
Wheatley: This body is amazing, seriously! I can't get over how small you are! But I'm huge!
[he laughs, first jovial then turning to maniacal laugh]
Wheatley: [his laugh trails off] Actually, why do we have to leave right now?
[brings the lift down]
Wheatley: Do you have any idea how good this feels? I did this! Tiny little Wheatley did this!
GLaDOS: [sounding exhausted and disgruntled] You didn't do anything. She did all the work.
Wheatley: Oh really. That's what the two of you think, is it? Well, maybe it's time I did something then.
[he uses the transfer tools to grab GLaDOS's head and pull her in]
GLaDOS: ...What are you doing?... NO! NO! NO!
Wheatley: [ding sound, Wheatley reveals a potato with a device on it] Ahhh... See that? That is a potato battery. It's a toy for children. And now she lives in it.
[laughs]
GLaDOS: I know you.
Wheatley: Sorry, what?
GLaDOS: The engineers tried everything to make me... behave. To slow me down. Once, they even attached an Intelligence Dampening Sphere on me. It clung to my brain like a tumor, generating an endless stream of terrible ideas.
Wheatley: No! I'm not listening! I'm not listening!
GLaDOS: It was YOUR voice.
Wheatley: No! No! You're LYING! You're LYING!
GLaDOS: Yes. You're the tumor. You're not just a regular moron. You were DESIGNED to be a moron.
Wheatley: I am NOT! A MORON!
[he starts hitting the glass of the elevator Chell is in with the arm holding GLaDOS]
GLaDOS: Yes you are! You're the moron they built to make me an idiot!
Wheatley: [continues punching the glass] Well how about now? NOW WHO'S A MORON? Could a MORON PUNCH! YOU! INTO! THIS! PIT? Huh? Could a moron do THAT?
[the elevator, with Chell and GLaDOS in it, breaks completely and falls down the shaft]
Wheatley: Uh oh.
Cave Johnson: [prerecorded message] The testing area's just up ahead. The quicker you get through, the quicker you'll get your sixty bucks.
GLaDOS: [on Chell's portal gun] Hold on, who...?
Cave Johnson: Caroline, are the compensation vouchers ready?
Caroline: Yes sir, Mr. Johnson!
GLaDOS: [simultaneously but slower] Yes sir, Mister Johnson... Why did I just? Who is that? What the hell is going on he-
[shorts out]
Wheatley: I'll bet you're both dying to know what your big surprise is. Well, only TWO more chambers!
GLaDOS: We're running out of time. I think I can break us out of here in the next chamber. Just play along.
[Chell steps onto an Aerial Faith Plate, but it unexpectedly launches her and GLaDOS sideways into a series of other Plates and an Excursion Funnel towards Wheatley's area]
Wheatley: SURPRISE! We're doing it now.
GLaDOS: Okay, credit where it's due: For a little idiot built specifically to come up with stupid, unworkable plans, that was a pretty well laid trap.
Wheatley: You've probably figured it out by now, but I don't need you anymore. I found two little robots back here. Built specifically for testin'!
GLaDOS: Oh no. He found the cooperative testing initiative. It's... something I came up with to phase out human testing just before you escaped. It wasn't anything personal. Just... you know. You DID kill me. Fair's fair.
GLaDOS: [Chell wakes up after defeating the final boss] Oh, thank God you're all right. You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson. I *thought* you were my greatest enemy, when all along you were my best friend. The surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life taught me an even more valuable lesson - where Caroline lives in my brain.
[beep]
Announcer: Caroline deleted.
GLaDOS: [her "old self"] Goodbye, Caroline. You know, deleting Caroline just now taught me a valuable lesson: The best solution to a problem is usually the easiest one. And I'll be honest. Killing you? Is hard. You know what my days used to be like? I just tested. Nobody murdered me. Or put me in a potato. Or fed me to birds. I had a pretty good life. And then you showed up. You dangerous, mute, lunatic. So you know what? You win. Just go.
[GLaDOS starts Chell's elevator moving up; laughs softly]
GLaDOS: It's been fun. Don't come back.
GLaDOS: You look ugly in that jumpsuit. That's not my opinion, it's right here on your fact sheet. They said on everyone else it looked fine but on you it looked hideous. But still what does an old engineer know about fashion. Oh, wait it's a she. Still, what does she know about, oh wait. She has a medical degree. In fashion. From France.
GLaDOS: [Chell and GLaDOS exit the elevator to find a harpsichord piece by Bach playing on the speakers] Ohh... no, he's playing classical music.
Wheatley: [they enter the testing room to hear the sound of pages being turned] Oh sorry sorry sorry; Hope that didn't disturb you too much there. It was the sound of books... pages being turned. So, that's just what I was doing, just reading, uh... books. So not a moron. Anyway, just finished the last one, just now, the hardest one. Machiavelli. Do not know what all the fuss was about - understood it perfectly. Have you read that one?
GLaDOS: [disdainfully] Yes.
Wheatley: Yeah, decked it. Well, on with the test! Wished there was more books! But there's not.
GLaDOS: Crushing's too good for him. First he'll spend a year in the incinerator. Year two: Cryogenic refrigeration wing. Then TEN years in the chamber I built where all the robots scream at you. THEN I'll kill him
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